*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Life is a suicide mission.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.