the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
the clam before the storm
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not