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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit