The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now