“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.