I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’m calling the cops.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
my retirement plan is braless