Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Oops I deleted….
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“What?”
– Jude
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.