I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.