No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.