I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia