Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If a snake ate a cake
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Can. I. Help. You.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.