8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself