Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You Might Also Like
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.