I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
🤣could you imagine
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”