My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My wife gives the best headache.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I really had high hopes for this year though
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!