I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes