guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with