whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
No, he would not have.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth