Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
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*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When you’re Kinky but poor
scared to check what name she chose
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.