If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Saturday
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.