Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You Might Also Like
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Thursday Thought.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
#TopTip
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
True
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Bond. Trauma bond.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.