Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Lmfao
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Vodka burrito was a success
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is