Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
You Might Also Like
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.