sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
@ candidates for local office
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
no regrets
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.