If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
That’s amazing.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?