Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE