[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!