Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
🙂🙃🥹
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
couldn’t resist
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.