If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.