Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
You Might Also Like
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.