I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.