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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.