Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u