My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Has there ever been a more American story?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.