My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
giddy up Office Depot
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow