I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I cannot stop laughing at this
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.