going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes