[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
That’s easy for you to say
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what