Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Does your wife know you’re single?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.