My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Bike for sale
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
What
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here