me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
🤣🤣🤣
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.