whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
the clam before the storm
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.