Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Goodnight 🐶
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.