One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
🤣😈🤣
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Friday night party time 🥳
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.