[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time