Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test