me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
accurate
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.