Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK