If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Well, this is awkward
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.