Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
A French press is when you hug naked
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist